Revenge of the Nerd

An Open Letter to Rob Reiner

Dear Rob,

I debated starting this letter with the endearing nickname of Meathead, but it dawned on me that references to your span on All in the Family ended over twenty years ago, plus my reader base probably isn’t that familiar with you as an actor, I’m afraid.  Would you like to know why, Rob?  Well, it’s because, in my generation, you established yourself as an accomplished film director.

Do you remember the ’80s and ’90s, Rob?  I sure do.  I mean, yeah, I grew up in them, but that says a lot about you.  Ya see, I find myself heavily defined by the movies I immersed myself in as a child, and I tend to attribute much of my cinema taste and filmmaking style to those who enlightened me.  Directors like Richard Donner, John Badham, John McTiernan, Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, Quentin Tarantino, and especially you, Rob.

Let’s think about this chronologically.  Your first big hit arrived only five years after you’d laid Michael Stivic to rest at Archie Bunker’s Place, in the form of This is Spinal Tap, in 1984, the year of my birth.  Generally considered a mockumentary masterpiece, it formulated a genre in and of itself.  But don’t let me dwell on that too much.  Let’s talk about the next ten years, when you pretty much defined yourself, and etched your films into my noggin (and yes, we’ll leave North out of this — I liked it when I was ten, but it was universally considered a misstep, and considering your track record, I’ll let it slide).  Stand by Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, your ’80s trifecta; three movies that are often considered defining motion pictures of the era, a teen coming-of-age story that is one of the best, a fantasy that is one of the best (if not the best), and a romantic comedy that trumps all other romcom shithouses of today.  And let’s not forget that Princess Bride is one of my favorite films of all time — and that’s not just because my doppelganger, Fred Savage, is in there.  I mean, holy crap, Rob.  Not even Roger Ebert can argue that that is one hell of a track record.

Then came an interesting ’90s renaissance, with the eerie and uniquely shot Misery (which produced an unbelievable performance by Kathy Bates), the ultimate in political thrillers, A Few Good Men (that is forever quoted for its indelible one-liners), yet another, dare I say, joyously pleasant movie with Aaron Sorkin, The American President, the last time we really saw a decent role out of Michael Douglas, and the underappreciated and important film, Ghosts of Mississippi.  No, these did not live up to your foursome of the eighties, but it sure as hell made for great entertainment.  There are few filmmakers who can say they influenced youthful artists in the span of two decades.  You are one of them.

Or, at least, you were.  What happened, Rob?  I know when we got closer to the ’00s, films started to become repetitious and unimaginative.  We were living a complex era of filmmaking woes, when for every Dark Knight, there were ten Giglis, and even Spielberg had trouble churning out truly decent works (if Indy 4 isn’t a sign of disillusion, I don’t know what is).  But where were you when we needed you?  You made three romcoms from 1999 to 2005.  Remember how I said you were the auteur of romantic comedies with your genre defining When Harry Met Sally?  Yeah, you kind of squandered that.  I mean, your three leading ladies were Michelle Pfieffer (stretch), Kate Hudson (fail), and Jennifer Aniston (are you kidding me?!).  What did you expect?  How could you think this would go well?

What happened to the man who defined films?  The man who went from a terrible grunge hairdo and Tom Selleck stache to a cinema genius who formed the ground upon which we young creators stand upon?  Where is your use of unknowns in a story-driven flick?  Your skill at the ensemble?  Your ability to take veterans to a whole new level of acting, whether they be as skilled and caustic as Jack Nicholson or as criminally wonderful as Michael J. Fox or as beautifully nuanced as Annette Bening?  Where we you?

And I know Bucket List was your way of saying “hold on, I’m getting back to form,” and it wasn’t a bad move, but still, you left me hanging, Rob.  You left me in the cold, yearning for the kind of movies I grew up on.  Don’t feel completely responsible — Steven has a letter coming to him, as well.  But you were the quiet thunder, Rob.  There are more movies in your arsenal that affected me than any filmmaker out there.  And as though I was ignored by an ever absent friend, I feel slighted.

I want my children to learn about how perfect a duo Mandy Patinkin and Andre the Giant are.  I want them to yell “You can’t handle the truth!” at me.  And yes, I even want them to ask if it’s okay to smash someone’s feet with a sledgehammer in times of creative crisis.  I want you to make kids feel the joy of the movies again, Rob.  It is your time to return and do what others seem to be failing at: doing what they do best.  While folks like John McTiernan and Roman Polanski debate jail time and Spielberg gets my hopes up for another five to ten years, you should be brewing something new, something amazing.

A good freakin movie.  Please!  And while I silently pray that your under-the-radar film for 2010, Flipped, is a true return to form, I sadly won’t hold my breath.  You’ve left me hanging, Rob, and all I want you to do is reach out and go that extra inch.  You have to meet me halfway, Meathead.  I have the utmost faith in you, as disillusioned as I have become.  So don’t let my faith exist idly.  Show me that great movies are still being made, and not by the new kids on Hollywood Blvd, but by the big, bearded craftsman who made saying ‘pecan pie’ in a funny voice and the phrase “twoo wuv” common vernacular.

The fact that I even need to write this, with a prayer of it being some form of impetus, is, well…INCONCEIVABLE!

All the best,

Matt

is amused Hulu cut out Conan’s Bugatti bit because of $$$. Ha! Check it here: http://gawker.tv/5453348/ %23thetonightshow %23conanobrien

Is it “Let’s make fun of Alec Baldwin” night in Hollywood?

Asymptote of the week

First off, not to pretend that I pay attention to important current events, but seriously, send all your good vibes and support over to Haiti.  I’ve been monitoring this and I don’t have to remind you how much aid they need.  Here is a list of support sites so you can do your part!

In other imminent news, Conan O’Brien.  What a clusterfuck that is.  As anyone can tell you, I’m a die hard Conando fan.  I’ve always despised Leno — the Daily Show saved my life as a tween when I finally had something else to watch before I went to bed.  Honestly, it’s not that I even dislike Leno as a person (or the fact that he is acting big NBC pimp douchebag right now by pushing Conan out), but I loathe him as a comedian.  When I was, say, thirteen, I would whine with my friends about how boring and repetitive Leno was, and how awesomely quirky Conan was.  Now, you may say at thirteen, I knew dick.  It’s true, I wasn’t really keen on what was funny (at some point, I latched on to Dane Cook, so suffice to say my clout is limited at best), but twelve years later, everyone seems to agree that Leno was never truly amusing so much as a tent pole for the Tonight Show.  He was our Carson-replacement.  And while Conan has his on and off nights, he was much more consistent (and loyal to his viewers).

I can’t say I understand fully what the ploy is here.  Some say NBC just loves its Leno.  Others say Comcast’s overlords are pushing this 12:05 Tonight Show nonsense because of DVR support.  Others are just simply fearful that Conan’s brand of humor is running thin to an aging thirty-something audience, and so the cord is being force cut.  Me, I don’t care why, I just want to know how NBC can treat its people this way, especially one of its most loyal and supportive.  Even when Leno got the 10 PM gig, an egregious slap in the face and lack of shown support for the new Tonight Show, Conan was agreeable.  Now, well, it’s the last straw.  Without blabbing beyond the point of necessity, all I will say is that we, the viewers, are suffering for this network incompetence.  Leno isn’t low-rated because he’s airing at 10.  He’s low-rated because he’s not funny; just read the reviews, NBC.  Let him float on his block of ice into the sea and give Conan some time to buoy to the shore.

Or don’t, and screw yourselves even further.  Fourth place is getting awful comfy, ain’t it?

Finally, as though the Gods read my blog, I received a screener of Fantastic Mr. Fox!  And guess what: along with The Hurt Locker, it is my favorite film of 2009.  Deceptively created as stop-animation cartoon, Fox is perhaps one of the most unique, engaging, and merely fun movies I’ve seen in so long.  To me, it’s ups Up in being much more relatable (even if Up’s aging storyline was incredible), with Foxy (Clooney) being a self-centered middle-aged fox reliving his glory days as a thief, draining the patience of his loyal wife (Meryl Streep), and blatantly ignoring his insecure son (Jason Schwartzman).  It’s about family and big business and silly Chitty Chitty Bang Bang-esque hilarity.  And somehow the animation just works so well.  And it’s really not for kids, honestly, but I suppose most of the risque will float over their heads.

To immerse yourself in this movie, from frame one, is key.  You can’t overthink about the voice actors or the complexity of the stop motion (though it’s quite hard when you see how beautifully designed animal’s whiskers or underground tunneling looks).  The story is fun and Clooney’s performance is so amazingly unrestrained, it makes Up in the Air seem like sleepwalking.  Also, Wes Anderson returns to form here, using his own atypical form of filmmaking, with long static shots heightened by subtle and biting sarcastic dialogue, in a way that seems strangely suited for animation.  If a sequel was viable, please bring it on.  Plus, Anderson used a bunch of non-actor associates to cover major roles, such as his brother, and their performances are often times more impressive than the big names.  But again, Clooney and Schwartzman sure know how to take dialogue and hit over the fences.  And small roles from Michael Gambon and Owen Wilson don’t hurt either.

Watching Fox made me realize that 2009 was a pretty damn good year for movies.  Between Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Up, Fantastic Mr. Fox, (500) Days of Summer, and a slew of other flicks, I think we’re getting a lot of unique work from seasoned and green filmmakers.  Sometimes you get a blockbuster visual feast with a boring story (Avatar) that still pleases, or you get something wholly unusual but equally fascinating (Fox or Hurt Locker), or even a new take on something completely overdone as a genre (Summer).

Now if they’d just let me make my science fiction Christmas epic, the world would be much better off.


-M

Spiderman 4 is dead! Blessing not-so-much in disguise.

Dollhouse sucker punch.

Three-way!

Oh, the movies.  Ya know, I’m pretty lucky to (1) have a new movie theater four blocks from my apartment in Hoboken and (2) have the strange connections that allow me to see indie movies other people are shamefully unable to catch because grosses are more important than providing quality features to the viewers.  And while I could go on and on about how indie films just don’t get the proper respect (don’t worry, they do) and that local yokel towns are suffering because of minimal distribution (I assure you, they are), I’d rather just talk about these movies I saw.  Save the politics for…well…not me.  There’s always home video, bitches.

I’ve combined Avatar, Up in the Air, and The Hurt Locker for one basic reason: they were hyped up the ying yang before I managed to see the first frame which, in turn, instilled me with the need to have EXTREMELY low expectations otherwise I’d be dealt utter disappointment.  So, let’s do this as would make the most sense, on a scale from 1-10, determined by (1) Level of Hype, (2) Safety Hype/Number to Which I Chose to Lower the Hype Level, and (3) Final Rating.  All numbers are related in that the number is a movie score essentially.  For example, Phantom Menace easily had a Hype Level of 10, I would have reduced my hype level to 7 (I had unusual faith in Master Lucas, but nowadays a movie like that would need a safety level of like 2), and the final rating, which for me, at 13, was an 8, but for everyone else it was a solid 4.  Does this scoring make any sense?  No, not really, but it gives you a solid impression of how hype can affect one’s opinion.  Yeah, it’s a waste of time. :)

Alright, let’s start with the biggie:

AVATAR

Hype Level: A solid 10.  People were about ready to piss blue for this movie, months, even years, before its premiere.  And with good reason: James Cameron’s first movie since the uber-Mecca-ultimate cha-ching that is Titanic from 19-freakin-97?  Count the world in (and in they came…that’s what she said?).

Safety Hype: 3.  I was an utter skeptic about this movie.  I mean, the guy hadn’t done anything in 12 years, and when you’ve pretty much hit the pinnacle critically and commercially, do you really expect him to come back with another masterpiece (granted, Titanic was more a spectacle than anything else).  Plus, let’s recall the last time a masterful filmmaker went bye-bye for over a decade and spewed out something new (i.e. my aforementioned ratings example?).  Shit could hit the proverbial fan; plus, even if it’s “pretty good” by average standards, his die hards were about to riot either way.  Wait, how does one become a Cameron die hard again?  I mean, he did Aliens, T2, and Titanic. Do you wear a mech-suit, sunglasses, and sing Celine Dion?  Yeah, believe it or not, I don’t do that.  Much.

Final Rating: 8!  Yes, it was a really good movie!  No, it wasn’t the same sort of “my back is sweaty from sinking into my chair” feel that Titanic induced in its theatrical run, but it was so much fun.  This may have skewed my review, but just before watching, I had a long discussion with a fellow critic about how movies aren’t made to be movies anymore, made to be enjoyable on a simple level of entertainment, neither popcorn crap or melodramatic allegory, but pure movie.  And Avatar does that in spades.  It’s also the first movie I can safely admit utilized both its excessive amount of special effects and the 3D technology to the highest degree.  Dust particles and leaves, flowing through this imaginary world.  Not only did it feel real, it looked really, really real.  And yes, it was a cheesefest.  The acting was hammy (I’m looking at you Sigourney), the dialogue at times pure drivel, and the story nothing new, but it’s a joy to watch, and I really feel like Zoe Saldana, technically a computer-generated character, holds the entire film together with her wonderfully rhythmic and fearless performance.  The Na’Vi are convincingly genuine.  And now it makes sense why Cameron waited; his claim of stewing with his story while waiting for technology to catch up with his concepts was an honest statement.  If you didn’t believe Pandora was real, his movie would have failed.  And it’s real, my friends.

UP IN THE AIR

Hype Level: 8.  Jason Reitman, the man, the myth, the legend.  Two home runs so far, if you ask me.  Are Thank You For Smoking and Juno perfect movies?  Hardly, but they were great uses of talent and writing.  Considering the hub bub that Juno created for him, it’s hard not to expect mountains.  Plus, while he was rolling with incredible (though not supposedly A-listed) casts before, now he’s got George “Danny Ocean” Clooney.  I mean, the guy can make infanticide sexy.

Safety Hype: 7.  Honestly, the trailers were good, the story seemed incredibly intriguing, and again, Clooney.  I mean, I’ve rarely seen a movie of his that I haven’t liked, whether it’s a phoned-in performance in an Ocean’s flick or something wonderfully different like Good Night, and Good Luck.  Plus, Reitman brought his heavies, Jason Bateman and J.K. Simmons, into the mix, so my attitude was pretty positive.  That and everyone and their mother put it on the Top Ten list.  I take away a point for newcomer Anna Kendrick, who I was told was in Twilight, so that made me wary, if only by association.

Rating: 5.  WAH WAH. What an utter disappointment.  Like I said, hype levels hurt movies, and this one certainly got hurt by it.  Don’t get me wrong, the performance are quite good (particularly Kendrick who had me in stitches during her hotel sob-fit, and Bateman once again taking his dryness to atmospheric heights), but Clooney felt bland, phoned in, and dare I say it, Ocean-esque.  Yes, he plays an emotionally stilted character, but he blabs so incessantly, so harmonically (if only to himself), that you grow to dislike him, even when he’s going through self-realizations.  And let me bring that up: the story was unbelievably laden with cliché.  Man lives self-absorbed life.  Man reconnects via romance and youthful foil.  Man returns home and reconnects.  Man chooses life change. Sorry, did I spoil it for you?  Well, how could I when you know where it’s going in the first twenty minutes?  Plus, I hate to say it, but Reitman’s quick-cut editing has become almost too formulaic, the way Wes Anderson’s long take pans have become part of his shooting repertoire (except Anderson’s never seem to get tired), and it makes for a very visually boring movie.  There was also a level of over-circuitousness, in that every pin the story set up was eventually knocked down by film’s end; almost too convenient.  Plus, the movie manages to make you feel elated in one instant (mostly during Kendrick’s scenes) and utterly depressed (during every firing sequence and especially when you watch Clooney’s lifestyle unravel — and that’s supposed to be a good thing!) for so long, you’re left with utter dissonance by the time the credits roll.  And for those who have seen this, when Clooney’s older sister says “Welcome home” in a pivotal scene, I screamed out “WHAT A BUNCH OF %&%$#* CHEESE!”

THE HURT LOCKER

Hype Level: 3.  I hadn’t even heard of this movie until about two months ago.  Well, the title anyway.  Months ago, someone mentioned a movie about bomb-defusing soldiers in Iraq, and I thought, “Oh, cool.  Except the whole watching war thing.”  Plus, while I adore Point Break, Kathryn Bigelow was never on my must-watch list.  No offense to her work, I just never latched onto anything of hers in particular (again, besides the blessed Point Break).  Let’s also not forget this is an $11 million film, which compared to Avatar’s $300-500 million supposed budget, was not getting much press.

Safety Hype: 5.  Like I said, I knew nothing about this film going in, and even when I started coming across reviews, with major critics calling it one of the best of the year, I merely assumed it was another indie flick getting a hummer from Peter Travers a la Juno (and Up in the Air, for that matter).

Rating: 9.  Now let’s consider my low hype for this; it certainly affects my rating.  With such low expectations, wasn’t it inevitable I’d find it excellent?  Well, all I really have to do is point to to my Avatar review above and you’ll see that a movie can still be good to me despite high levels of hype, so the other way works as well, no?  It almost works in my favor that two highly hyped movies created such distinct ratings; NOW YOU MUST TRUST ME!  Anyway, Hurt Locker can be summed up in one very simple word: tense.  As you follow this small unit of soldiers (three to be exact) as they go around Iraq defusing bombs and “misplaced” missiles, and getting into occasional firefights with insurgents along the way, you feel no sense of didacticism, just a feeling of being there, terrified.  Bigelow isn’t preaching pro or anti-war; she just wants you to feel the pressure of these young men, some who hate it, others (namely Jeremy Renner’s Will) who have been molded into poster boys for it.  Further, when you’re introduced to characters who only take the spotlight for five minutes (expect some random cameos), you’re not dealing with cliché generals or moments of diatribe.  On the contrary, you’re just living in the shit, as they say.  Probably the most intense action (yes, action) movie I’ve seen in years.  Finally, I must say the way Bigelow shot Hurt Locker fascinates me.  In almost every moment, whether in a small barrack or in the middle of a vast desert, you get an intense sense of claustrophobia, as though every instant of this war is going to consume you and kill you.  And as you get that disconcerting sensation, you know damn well that the director, without slapping a message in your face, meant for you to feel that way, the way the soldiers feel.

So I will safely say that you should see all of these flicks, if only to get your opinion on three heavily award-centric beasts.  Don’t get me wrong, tons of you are going to love Up in the Air the way I wished I had, and others will think Avatar was nothing but pomp, and that’s fine.  But The Hurt Locker was fucking harsh, as Jay would say, and if you don’t like it, well, I DON’T LIKE YOU!

Kidding.

But not really.  See it.  It’s awesome and my current front runner for best picture.  Now someone get me a copy of Fantastic Mr. Fox!


-M

Is anyone else enjoying Google’s use of Blade Runner references for its products? Let’s just hope they don’t make a Nexus Six.